And Colonel Sanders Must Have Wept
by Medicinal Biscuit
Summary: CRACK AU ISH. Written for JayleeJ's contest. Prompt: A one-shot explaining why Deidara blew up KFC. A story of heart break, satire, Ebisu, explosions, Hyuuga Hiashi, the food service industry,disturbing twins, traffic crime and a lack of freeze-dried corn


**What: A one-shot explaining why Deidara blew up KFC**

**Why: Because everyone must write Sasuke as the stereotypical emo kid at some point, because Ebisu, Hyuuga Hiashi, and the food-service industry go together like macaroni and cheese, and because Sakon and Ukon ARE disturbing.**

**Notes: Language and the CRACK that most of you have come to expect from me can be found within.**

**Please enjoy.**

**(EDITED: 6/28/10)**

**And Colonel Sanders Must Have Wept**

With two jarring bumps Deidara ran right over the bicycle, watching the boy it belonged to break into tears in the rear-view mirror. The skin stretched white over his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel even tighter, trying to drown out the noise in the back seat. Aside from killing a bunch of people and blowing shit up all the time, what had he ever done to deserve this?

"Ne...Deidara-senpai, that wasn't a very nice thing to do, " Tobi remarked anxiously, straining his seat belt as he twisted around to look out the back window at the heartbroken child.

Deidara ground his teeth and said tersely, "Neither was pairing me with you, but you don't hear me complaining to Pein-sama about it, do you?" He swerved briefly into oncoming traffic as he avoided a squirrel in the road. A discontented moan sounded from behind.

"Gawd, didn't anyone ever teach you how to drive?" Konan irritably remarked, clutching her lower abdomen.

Using all of his limited self control to keep his voice steady, he practically yelled, "BE QUIET, _woman_. _I'm _driving this car. Just sit down and shut up, un."

Her dull, dark eyes narrowed dangerously. "I am SO telling Pein you said that." But she relaxed back into her seat.

Deidara muttered murderously under his breath, bloodshot blue eyes focused on the pavement before him, the sheer incarnation of road rage.

"Deidara-sennnpai?" Tobi sang, bouncing up and down in his seat, "Are we there yet?"

"Damn it, Tobi, we'll get there when we get there!"

The car shuddered to a stop at a red light. Deidara had just closed his eyes, still trying to calm down, when something dropped onto the windshield with a nasty plopping sound. Staring cross-eyed at the biggest glob of bird shit he'd ever seen in his life, the blonde muttered, "Well, that's perfectly _lovely_."

"Senpai!" Tobi squealed, delighted, "Look at the pretty lights!"

"Senpai's too busy contemplating suicide right now, Tobi," Deidara responded. "Senpaaaai!" Tobi protested, reaching over the headrest to yank Deidara's blonde ponytail.

"What, Tobi? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT, UN!" Deidara's head reeled back as Tobi yanked his hair.

"The _lights_, the-" But Tobi's increasingly desperate protests were silenced as the traffic light changed to green and Deidara floored it. Frankly, the blonde didn't give a flying fuck about the "pretty lights." That is until the "pretty sirens" started up.

"OH SNAP, IT'S THE FUZZ!" Konan shouted, diving to the floor.

Deidara looked down at the speedometer. He was going seventy miles per hour...in a twenty five zone. Wait, now that you mention it, the needle was now actually closer to _ninety..._

Checking the rearview mirror, the terrorist gritted his much-abused teeth as two more police cars joined the chase. He was so caught up in watching the lights getting closer and weighing his chances of out running them, as well as drowning out Tobi's squeals and Konan's moans of agony, that he almost didn't hear the screams until it was too late.

Not that he would have cared, or anything.

"SHIT!" The line of children in the middle of the crosswalk had all stopped dead- literally- as they awaited their inevitable doom. Deidara somehow managed to pull a fantastic U-turn in the nick of time, run off the road, vault off the curb, and come to a dramatic halt by colliding with a fire-hydrant. Water exploded above them in a giant column. The children cheered, the police closed in, and Konan was still rolling about on the floor bitching about her "cramps from satan" and her need for fried chicken.

Tobi bounced up and down in his seat, giggling. "LET'S GO AGAIN, SENPAI! LET'S GO AGAIN."

And Deidara just banged his head against the dashboard meditating on how this was all just a cruel twist of fate.

**Earlier that morning at the Akatsuki base**

"_WHAT?_"

Deidara stared incredulously at Pein. The akatsuki leader winced somewhat at the loud noise and popped yet another asprin in his mouth, massaging his temples.

"Deidara, the safety of the organization- not to mention my sanity- is riding on the success of this mission. Complaints will not be tolerated. This is NOT optional."

The blonde huffed and rolled his one visible eye.

"But Pein-sama-"

"Deidara," the other interjected, his tone flat, dangerous, "Do you have ANY idea how dangerous Konan is when she's PMSing? You and Tobi _will _take her to KFC, you _will_ get her that godforasaken chicken bucket thing she's craving, and I_ will NOT_ hear another word about it, do you understand me?"

Deidara's mouth dropped open. Oh, the injustice. "But it's seven in the morning! Who in their right mind would want chicken this time of day, un?"

"Do not ask me to explain the cruel and twisted ways in which a hormone-ridden female mind works," Pein said coldly.

The blonde practically growled in irritation, throwing his head back. "Why me?"

"Itachi-san recommended you. I originally planned on asking him to do it, but he said you had outstanding experience dealing with this sort of thing."

Incredulity spread across Deidara's expression. "What the fuck? This is so _UNFAIR_!"

The asprin bottle rattled, hitting the floor as Pein suddenly lunged at his subordinate, desperately latching onto the man's collar.

"You know what's _REALLY_ unfair, Deidara? Being forced to watch reruns of "I Love Lucy" for SIX HOURS!" "_Fine_, un. " he groaned, "I'll do it- just leggo of me."

Pein took a step back, regaining his composure. "I apologize, Deidara. Thank you."

"Whatever." With a last defiant hair flip, the blonde turned and loped out of the office. He had just slammed the door shut, when, looking up, he noticed the object of his current loathing.

Itachi had half a grapefruit in one hand, a packet of splenda in the other, and the faintest hint of an evil smirk on his face. Never breaking his eyes away from Deidara's furious stare, he carefully sprinkled just the right amount of no-calorie sweetener on his fruit.

"Troubled, Deidara?"

Deidara was about to respond to the blatant taunt when all of the air was suddenly knocked from his lungs as Tobi captured him in a violent hug from behind.

"We get to go on a _FIELD TRIP_, Deidara-senpai! Oh, aren't we so lucky? Aren't you soooo excited!"

It was probably a good thing Deidara didn't have enough oxygen to respond to that. The blue-faced blonde was still struggling against Tobi's hug and excitement when Konan arrived on the scene.

"Hurry your ass up, Deidara. That chicken bucket calls to me..."

Smirking at his own evil genius, Itachi took a bite of his grapefruit, savoring the acidity and watching the protesting Deidara being dragged away.

"Finger-lickin' good, Deidara, _finger-lickin' good..._"

**Meanwhile, At KFC**

Ebisu, assistant vice junior manager of the Meadow Lark Road KFC, smiled proudly as he surveyed his assembled employees. For exactly one year and seven months he had been devoting his life to slowly and painfully clawing his way up in the complex hierarchy of the food-service industry. Now, his chance had finally come to take that big step up to _manager_. He would be damned before he let anyone screw it up.

"Gentlemen and woman," he said grandly, clasping his hands behind his back, "I am honored to spend this proud day in the history of our humble establishment with you."

The other six people in the room looked like they'd really rather be anywhere else. Someone audibly scratched their crotch.

"Now," Ebisu continued, beginning to pace, "Just so you all understand the importance of the occasion, allow me to remind you again that the C.E.O of the_ entire_ Kentucky Fried Chicken corporate franchise is coming to _our_ area location KFC in approximately.." he checked his watch, "twenty minutes. So I need all of you to be on top of your game."

He produced his clipboard with a flourish. "Now, to designate duties for the day. Gai!" The spandex-clad man grabbed his utility bucket and saluted "As our resident custodian, it's your duty to make this place shine. Get to work!"

"I shall make this fast-food restaurant shine with the all gleaming glory of the franchise name!" he vowed, scurrying off, mop in hand.

"Karin, Naruto!" The two eagerly leapt up and looked at Ebisu, then glared at each other when they collided. Ebisu smiled. "My two eager beavers will be manning the drive thru." Their faces fell so fast you could almost hear the _splat_.

"But you said one of us was getting promoted to register soon," Naruto whined.

Ebisu held up a finger scoldingly. "Now, now, neither of you can even touch my golden boy here." Ebisu winked at the thin, dark-haired boy who was staring apathetically at nothing.

Naruto grimaced in anger and muttered, "_Sasuke_," whereas Karin subtly attempted to mop up her drool that had ensued at the mention of her obsessio- ahem. Love interest.

"Your promotion," Ebisu continued, "will be based off today's performance. Whoever performs more exceptionally is moving on up to register!"

"HELL YES!" Naruto pumped a fist in the air, "I'm gonna beat that emo bastard once and for all! Don't even try to stop me, you take orders like a woman!" he yelled, pointing at Karin with a wild grin on his face.

"It's a trial of LOOOVE!" Karin yelled maniacally, pointing a finger at Naruto, "YOU WILL LOSE!"

Watching their backs as they flew off towards the window, Ebisu smiled, closed his eyes and shook his head. "Does my heart good to see my employees get so fired up by fast food."

Two of the remaining three gagged slightly. The third just flicked his dark hair and huffed.

"Now, as for you three. Sakon, Ukon!" Two pale-haired identical twins looked up. "You two will be on _fryer _duty!" Ebisu said in a tone that conveyed that someone had won the lottery.

Two pairs of blue-glossed lips pouted. Sakon began to protest, pulling on his big beaded necklace. "But we're_ always_ on fryer duty. We think that..."

"...we deserve a promotion too," finished his brother.

Ebisu blinked uncomfortably. Gee wilikers, they were strange. He laughed nervously.

"Well, we'll see about that later, but for today I want you two to fry up that chicken. It needs to be 'Finger lickin' good,' after all, haha."

The twins were persistent.

"But _why_?" Simultaneous whining. _Charming._ Ebisu's patience was quickly running out. The head would be arriving in _sixteen_ minutes now, he didn't have this time to waste.

"Because people find you disturbing. Now get."

The twins glared and stalked off indignantly.

The junior vice assistant manager relaxed his shoulders. Thank god that was done. He smiled at his one remaining employee.

"Sasuke," he said fondly. The teenager looked up at him through one dark eye, the other covered by his hair. He sniffled slightly. Ebisu went on, "My golden boy. You, of course, will be on register." Sasuke rubbed at his eye, smearing his eyeliner even further down his pale face.

" 'Kay."

As soon as he was in place, Ebisu ran off to his office, which was actually the storage room. He plopped down at the boxes of ketchup packets that he had pushed together to serve as his desk. _Fifteen minutes._ Lord, he was running out of time.

**One expensive traffic ticket and a few blocks later...**

"God, you almost _killed us all." _Contempt rang in Konan's tone. "Pein told you to drive me to KFC, _not_ go on a destructive rampage and almost massacre some kids."

Deidara's hopeless eye lit up as the glorious neon face of Colonel Sanders smiled down at him from the KFC sign._ At last..._

"Deidara Senpai, Tobi wants a taco."

"Then Tobi is shit outta luck, isn't he, un?"

They pulled into the parking lot, and upon noticing how empty the place was, Deidara's evil mind hatched an evil plan.

He would abandon the car on the pretense of "going to the bathroom," and hide out in the KFC until Tobi and Konan got tired of waiting and finally came in. Then he would sneak back out to the car and drive away. The best part was Pein-sama couldn't possibly get mad at him because he had technically accomplished the mission: he had taken Konan to KFC. Now the PMSing bitch could have her chicken and eat it too.

Trying not to break into maniacal laughter at his own brilliance, Deidara pulled into a parking space.

"Uh, I'll be right back, guys. I need to go to the bathroom, un."

Tobi unbuckled his seat belt. "Tobi will go with you! He'll be Senpai's bathroom buddy."

"NO! Uh...I mean, un, Tobi, if you go then who will watch over Konan?"

Tobi gasped. "Of course! You're right, Senpai! Tobi won't let you down!" Saluting, the masked-nin fell back in his seat and Deidara booked it to the door and all-but ran into the deserted restaurant. Without pausing he marched right up to the counter and took in the scrawny emo teenager at the register, reading his nametag. _"Sasuke."_

This would be _too _easy.

Snuffling and rubbing his nose with a gloved hand, Sasuke yanked out his earphones and stood up. "Welcome to KFC," he stated tonelessly, dark smeary eyes averted to the floor. "Our Value Meal Deal of the day is the number seven, which is basically five pieces of deep-fried chicken substitute with a side of lard and hypertension. How many minutes can I knock off your life-expectancy today?"

It was truly a shame, Deidara though inanely, that this little bitch let what was probably an awesome employee discount go to waste.

Deidara shook his head slightly and smiled. "None for me, thanks, un. What I really need is a place to hide...?" He left the question hanging in the air, staring at the teenager.

A brooding pause. Then,

"Not my work station, not my problem." Sasuke sat back down heavily and began emotionally mouthing the words to his music.

That was all the permission Deidara needed. The terrorist vaulted over the counter and was gone in a flash. He had only gone a few feet before the next obstacle to his plan came in the form of what appeared to be a spandex-clad janitor.

"Young man, customers aren't allowed behind the counter. Allow me to assist you back into the dining area."

Deidara weighed his options. Blow the fucker up, or improvise. As much as he would have enjoyed option A, he still needed to buy himself some more time. He decided to make some shit up. Allowing himself to collapse weakly against the wall, he said in a strained voice,

"Sorry...I was looking for the bathrooms," he pretended to hold back a retch. "I think..I'm gonna be sick, again..."

Gai had stopped listening after the word "sick". "_VOMIT?_! On my SPOTLESS floor? NEEVERRR!" Gai sprinted out, mop in hand, whereas Deidara smirked and ran on to the kitchen, ducking into a cupboard.

**Meanwhile, out in the car**

"Where is that bitch?" Konan moaned dramatically. "My cramps are getting worse and, dammit, I want me some chicken!"

Tobi put a finger to his chin in thought. He hated to see a friend suffer. Maybe there was something he could do? You could almost hear the pop as the light bulb went on over his head.

"I know, Konan-san! Tobi could use the drive thru!"

The blue-haired woman pondered this. Get her chicken sooner at the risk of a tragic automotive death? Eh, why the hell not. She nodded her approval.

Tobi eagerly bounced to the driver's seat where Deidara had oh-so-foolishly left the keys in the ignition. Turning the keys, and shifting gears, he backed up at fifty miles per hour, slamming into a giant plastic chicken bucket.

It was then that Konan's doubts manifested themselves.

"Tobi...have you ever done this before?"

"Nope!" The boy said happily. "That makes this a_ learning experience,_ Konan-san."

Konan just gripped her seat tighter and shut her eyes.

**Back in the kitchen**

"_Hey,_ you're not freeze-dried corn!"

Deidara found himself staring into a pair of dark, suspicious eyes set in a paler-than-death face.

"And you're wearing a shirt. Now that we've stated the obvious, un, could you let me get back to hiding?"

A smirk formed on the unnatural blue lips. "Ukon!" Sakon called.

To Deidara's bewilderment, a boy identical to the one before him appeared from around the corner.

"What is it, brother?"

"Look what I found.." Devious was the only word to describe the smirks that spread across the faces of Sakon and Ukon." We should take this guy to that prick, Ebisu, right? It would be so very _amusing_ to give him something stressful to deal with when the C.E.O is gonna be here any minute, don't you think?"

Ukon nodded, evil grin in place, and dragged Deidara out of the cupboard with surprising strength. "Of course, Sakon. But first we ought to go disrupt the drive thru brats. The whole contest idea is abysmally unfair. If we don't get a promotion, no one should."

He lead Deidara, who had no idea what either of them were talking about, away from his twin and towards the window. But before Deidara could plot his escape or Ukon could exact his dastardly vengeance, Tobi and Konan pulled to a screeching halt before the window.

"Shit!" the blonde hissed, using Ukon's momentary distraction to his advantage, and dropping to the floor.

Naruto opened the window, a bemused look on his whisker-marked face.

"Hey, I didn't hear anybody place an order."

Karin appeared behind his shoulder. "That's because you're an incompetent idiot and even fast food is too complex for your undersized brain to handle."

"No," Tobi gently corrected her, "Tobi just accidently ran over the talky box."

Naruto, Karin, and Ukon stared at him blankly. Deidara face palmed.

"Riiight." The younger blonde finally broke the silence. "So what ca-OOMPH"

"...I get you to eat?" Karin finished sweetly, punching Naruto in the stomach. The winded Uzumaki fell to the floor.

"Oh, Tobi doesn't want anything, thanks."

_"Then why are you here?_" Karin asked through clenched teeth, eyebrow twitching.

Giggles sounded from the car. "Wait! You didn't ask Konan-san if she wanted anything, _silly._"

The bespectacled girl was struggling to keep her composure. "_Right_. What do you want."

Konan just snorted and reached around Karin to grab that godforsaken bucket of chicken that started this whole mess. She smiled, munching happily.

"Thank you very much!" Tobi said brightly. "What do we owe you?"

"That'll be-" Karin punched in the order on the register, failing to notice Naruto closing in behind her with a frying pan held over his head. There was a hollow metallic clang, and Karin fell to the ground.

"...$5.95" Naruto finished, grinning.

He was just handing Tobi his change, when suddenly, a scream rent through the building. it appeared that Gai, after discovering no vomit, had brought Ebisu up to speed.

"_WHAT? _ARE YOU _ACTUALLY_ TELLING ME SOMEONE RAN OVER THE SPEAKER, THERE'S A HOOLAGAN LOOSE IN THE RESTAURANT_ AND_ THE C.E.O WILL BE HERE IN TWO MINUTES?"

"_Oh nooo_," groaned Naruto, Ukon, and Sakon, who had just appeared. "Our boss."

_Oh shit_. Deidara's mind was geared into overdrive. At the rate things were going, it was about to get ugly fast. If that boss found him here there was likely to be a lawsuit, which meant that they would eventually discover that the people they were suing were actually a criminal organization. The blonde sighed. He had gotten the damned chicken. That's all that mattered, right? There was nothing to lose.

They could all have their chicken, and eat it too- with a side of hypertension.

"Alright, bitches!" he yelled, jumping to his feet, forming a quick seal, and throwing a clay doll into the kitchen. "JUMP OUT THE WINDOW IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, UN!"

The entire kitchen staff of the Meadow Lark Road area location KFC crammed through the window at the same time.

"KATSU!"

**At the Akatsuki base**

Pein, taking advantage of his break from his partner, was admiring the splendor of the early morning. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, a mushroom-shaped inferno was blazing in the east...

_Wait..._

The Akatsuki leader frowned.

_Oooh, that damn brat had done it now..._

**A few minutes later at the crater that was once the Meadow Lark Road KFC**

A sleek, black Porshe slid smoothly into a parking space, and out stepped the C.E.O of the entire Kentucky Fried Chicken corporate franchise.

Hyuuga Hiashi surveyed the charred remains of one of his restaurants; taking care to note the random unconscious employees strewn about the parking lot. He strode over to the giant plastic chicken bucket and tipped it over.

Yup. Still alive.

After scribbling something on his clipboard, he bent down and placed a sticky note firmly on Ebisu's chest. It read,

_"You're fired! And yes, that does mean that I'm not going to cover your hospital bill. Have a nice day!"_

Wiping his hands with an air of finality, the Hyuuga strode deftly back to his car, turning around to spare a last glance at the blemish on his company name.

He looked down as he felt his daughter wrap her arms around his waist. Hyuuga Hanabi looked up at her father with wide, pale eyes.

"Daddy? Are we poor now?"

Hiashi chuckled and patted her fondly on the head.

"Of course not, honey. We're still filthy stinkin rich!"

With those parting words, a car door slammed and they drove away.

From a nearby hilltop Uchiha Sasuke bit into a carrot stick and thoughtfully regarded the destruction.

And somehow, somewhere, Colonel Sanders must have wept.

**Owari**

**Notes: I solemnly swear that I will NEVER write an emo Sasuke again. **


End file.
